Three Weeks in December

I would be very impressed if I saw an obituary that read: "James Gibson, 33, eaten by a lion, services to be held at Hodapp Funeral home on Saturday at 1:00 p.m."  That would be an amazing obituary.  It would almost be worth it.  The odds that I would be eaten by an African lion are pretty small.  I'll probably never go to Africa and I very rarely go to the zoo.  The few times I've been to the zoo, I've never crossed the "idiot moat" to be eaten by said lion.  What's much more likely to happen to me, is for my larger-than-average cat to trip me, I fall down my basement steps, crack my head open and die of a subdermal hematoma.  Not only is that more likely, it is probable, considering he slide tackles me twice a month. 

Three Weeks in December is loosely based on a true story about  lions who ate humans but those hungry hungry lions were never caught.  This part of the story is set at the turn of the 20th century and the lions ate some of the immigrant workers for the East African Railroad.  I would think that human meat is not like wildebeest--I mean that's good eating--human meat must be like one Buffalo Wild Wing, kind of stringy, not much meat, spicy but slightly addictive.  Also, only a quarter on Tuesday.

This book has another story, from another point of view, set in the early 21st century about an ethnobotonist searching for a medicinal vine among mountain gorillas in the Congo.  She has Asperger's and eats a lot of tofu.  I take umbrage here, I don't think tofu, perishable fermented bean blocks, travel well in luggage from America to the heart of the African Congo.  My clean clothes smell like mountain gorilla after a five hour plane ride from Canada.  The author read 90 books of research to write this novel, but I think she neglected to research the perishable qualities of tofu.  I think there is a book on it called Blocks of Death.

For as exciting as this book seems with gorillas, lions and tofu, its just ok.  It doesn't have that special "spark" that makes me want to keep reading. It took me months to finish it even though its only 353 pages.  So keep that in mind when you are perusing the mountain gorilla based novels section in the bookstore.

Drinks:  Malaria is a big plot point in this book so you should drink with a nice gin and tonic.  You should know that modern tonic water has only negligible amounts of quinine so you should drink a whole bunch of them just to be safe.       

Gone Girl

Summer's not over yet.  You may have read this last summer when it was hot off the press.  It was and still is very popular.  That made me very nervous.  So I was pleasantly surprised to find that I kind of liked it, yeah it turns out I'm as much of a snob as I thought.  I do have discerning taste.  I also love queso dip which is very plebeian, but you will admit, it is so so tasty.

Gone Girl is is a thriller with plot twists aplenty.  Yes, I don't care how smart you are at least one twist will sneak up on you out of nowhere like a weird mole.  I don't want to tell you much of the plot, but its a missing person mystery and the woman's husband is the primary suspect.  That really is about all I can say without spoiling it.  Its kind of "dark" and there is some sex stuff that is little weird, not Murakami weird, think explicit but not sexy.  Some readers criticize this book inarticulately and simply say its "yucky." They are probably not comfortable with a odd ending and some very odd characters.  I loved The Wire and Breaking Bad, so I'm ok with the dark side. Da da da dadada da da da da da da. (That's supposed to be The Imperial March aka Vader's Theme). I'm pretty sure those are from the handwritten notes of John Williams.

With bad behavior and drama in abundance, one thing that might make reading this more fun is just occasionally inserting 1990's Jerry springer audience reactions while you read.  Like, "Quit that zero and get yourself a hero!" or "Ohhh, no she didn't!" and "Snap!" I know you probably already recite these phrases while you read anyway, but they will be especially appropriate for this book. 

Drinks: Hey this is a mystery involving a missing person so why not try a Corpse Reviver? The Corpse Reviver #2 is the most popular of the type so here it is:  1 oz gin, 1 oz Cointreau, 1 oz. Lillet Blanc, 1 oz lemon juice, 1 dash absinthe.  Put all the ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice.  Shake and serve. 

Wool

 

What book are you reading? Wool. What? Wool. You know like fluffy sheep? Oh.  Nothing makes you sound more like a jackass then saying this title.  Wool is hard to say with proper annunciation.  This isn't even a good name for this book.  While wool is mentioned, I suspect the metaphor "pulling the wool over someones eyes," is the title's secret double meaning.  Clever.  This story is set in a giant silo. Hey, Silo might have been a good name.  

I've been reading more than my fair share of dystopian novels these days. (Yep, all Planet of the Apes style).  In Wool, there is a logical flaw in this community's silo living.  Frankly, its missing some guns, it has a few, but not enough.  C'mon everyone knows a gun and ammo are the first thing you pack. Because with a gun you can "get" the rest of your supplies.  True, there is the alternative hippy theory of a dystopian future.  Now, where did I put my butter churn again?

One of the best things about this story's society is that the characters were born in the silo and are the product of successive generations.  It has been so long since civilization has lived outside that the inhabitants wonder if an elephant is a real thing or a myth? That brings me to another flaw, I don't care if they have grow lights, after four or five generations, the people would all be smeagols. Admittedly, it would be hard to cast an all-smeagol movie rather than cast for an olive-skinned sexy lady-mechanic. (I'd still go to an all-smeagol movie).

 

Drinks: If you can have a complete self-sustaining world inside a silo, I could learn to make a moonshine still. Moonshine is making a comeback.  Unaged whiskey or "white dog" can be found in fancy liquor stores or possibly your cousin's basement.  This drink sounds good, but like illegal moonshine, I couldn't find a "proper" recipe so this is my best guess with my own additions. 

 

Raspberry Fizz: 1 oz moonshine or unaged whiskey aka "White Dog," 1/2 oz Grand Marnier, 6 ripe raspberries, 1/2 oz simple syrup, 3 oz (or to taste) seltzer water.  Muddle the raspberries with the Grand Marnier add ice, white dog and simple syrup, shake.  Strain and top with seltzer water.    

The Name of the Wind

Patrick Rothfuss is the literary Reggie Watts.  Now hear me out, both have crazy hair, both are around the same age, and both took a long time for the public to take notice.  We've noticed.  The Name of the Wind is beloved by fantasy readers.  There is a good reason for that.  If you even remotely like High Fantasy (LOTR) you should read this book.  (You should also check out Reggie Watts who is a musical genius).

The story is set around a parent-less wizard who is brilliant, he goes to wizard school, has wealthy adversaries and becomes a legend.  I know, I know, the plot sounds awfully familiar.  But think more Wizard of Earthsea than Harry Potter.  As beloved as Harry is, he was far from being a genius.  Think of a protagonist that is smart like Tyrion Lannister.  Pedantic and arrogant but not evil. Enough fantasy references for ya? Wow, I'm a geek.    

Some of you know I usually read about three or four books at any given time.  When I picked this up, I was like, um...what other books?  I kind of liked it if you can't tell.

Our protagonist Kvothe, is a gypsy, musician, magician, smart but he has bright red hair.  Here's a problem with the plot.  The hot girls at wizard school, and at least one ultra hot "towny" think he's kind of cute--or something. Well, and don't get me wrong, I've seen some hot men with red hair, but never a malnourished fair-skinned fifteen year old redhead wearing tattered rags.  In fact, no full grown woman likes a fifteen year old boy, so frankly, the paleness and red hair is just insulting.  I guess that's why they call it fantasy.

There is a sequel which I enjoyed called The Wise Men's Fear. There is a third book to this series known as the Kingkiller Chronicle series.  It is due to be published in 2014 but Rothfuss is a notoriously slow writer, like George R.R. Martin slow.  I'm not holding my breath.  I really hope he doesn't give Kvothe gout or sciatica or some equally unsexy ailment.   

Drinks: Apparently there is no drinking age in the kingdom of this book.  Kvothe likes metheglin, which I found out is a real drink, it's just flavored mead, but that name really gives it some gravitas.  I've had bad luck with mead in the past (dirty old sweat sock) but I'm willing to give it another chance.  Also appropriate is ale or a substantial beer.  I LIKE BEER.  So, drink with a tasty local beer while listening to good music.  Any local lute acts I should know about?

Flatland

Yes, you can mix theology and science.  We didn't always live in an age when people believe the earth is 4004 years old based on a literal reading of the the Hebrew Bible. By the way, this calculation is called the Ussher chronology, not to be confused with the Usher chronology which calculates the earth's age as 10 years for every time Usher says "Yeah!" in a song.  (At least using this method, the earth is 14,000 years old). Anyway, Edwin Abbott was both a mathematician and a theologian, and he wrote a perfectly fine piece of classic literature which is kind of kick-ass when you think about it.  I'm sure when he was at Cambridge in the 1860's everyone called him Kick-ass Eddie. 

Flatland, which is a slim 96 pages, is weird. Good weird.  A square lawyer explains Flatland to us, knowing we live in Spaceland, and we come to learn all about Flatland's politics, women's rights and all about triangle angle-racism.  Its a criticism of Victorian social mores which is pretty clever. It does get a little tedious is the beginning because when you use an analogy to spoof something, I mean, I get it.  My favorite part is the last third which becomes philosophical.  The square has a dream where he visits Pointland.  There, he encounters a point king that cannot conceive of the observable world of Flatland.  Square, when he is awake, is visited by a Sphere, which he naturally mistakes as a circle.  The Square cannot conceive of Spaceland until it becomes first-person observable. Deep, huh.  After becoming a believer, Square dares to postulate a forth and fifth dimension, which the Sphere thinks is really nuts. Very deep.  Three dimensionally deep. 

No one cared about Flatland when it came out but he was later rediscovered after Einstein's theory of relativity.  Abbott was then considered a visionary because he used time to describe other dimensions.  I wonder what Kick-Ass Eddie would do with string theory.  He'd write Stringland. I suspect in Stringland it would difficult to tell a person's mouth hole from his "other dimension."

Drinks:  In Flatland you should drink something extraordinary. Ok, here is one my favorites which makes no sense on paper, so like the Square, you must taste it to believe it.  The Kretchma:  1 oz. vodka, 1 oz. Creme de Cacao, one dash Grenadine, 1 tablespoon lemon juice.  Mix all the ingredients with ice, shake, strain and serve.  Some say it tastes like a cupcake, some say it tastes like the fourth dimension.         

Snow Child

On paper, this book made sense for the book club.  The safe bet is to pick a book that you've already read, but that's cheating.  So I picked a book that promised the wonder of mythical creatures, short, well reviewed and it has a fox on the cover.  A fox is always a good sign.  I thought, I am a genius at picking books!  Nope, I am not.  In reality it features a depressed Alaskan couple trying to homestead in the super-grim 1920's.  The sad couple discover (or create out of snow) a semi-feral girl (or mythical creature). The fox has a minor role. MINOR ROLE. I think the cover is cute.  Its not a bad book but it didn't exactly generate an lively invigorating discussion either.  It is the Jennifer Garner of books.   

 

If you are really into Russian folktales retold in a different setting, say Alaska in the1920's, this book is for you! The biggest plot point is whether the girl is made out of snow or is an orphaned Swede. Whether she is mythical or real never actually is resolved.  It does get a minor cool point for mentioning how awesome wolverines are.  They are, everyone knows it, but they deserve a mention once in a while.  

 

Eowyn Ivey, whose name appears to be from the Hobbit-name generator, is a first time novelist.  It looks like her second novel is going to be called Shadows on the Wolverine.  Yes, start with cool animal and everything else is downhill.  I think I should write one called The Honey-Badger's Midnight Adventure.  Maybe he can be a sofisicated animal and have a top-hat.  You can't really go wrong.  

 

So, unless you really like reading books in the summer set in the winter, The Snow Child is nothing special.  Its kind of like getting a snow cone with sugar-water but no flavoring.     

 

When I think of Alaska I think of maple syrup so if you are going to read this, why not a maple syrup based cocktail?  This one is called a Jack Rabbit: 2 oz. apple jack, 1/2 oz maple syrup, 1/2 oz. lime juice, 1/2 oz. lemon juice.  Shake with ice and strain.  Garnish with an apple wedge.   

Lets Explore Diabetes with Owls

Answer this theological question for me: Is there a topic so weird even He cannot make it funny?  He in this case being David Sedaris who is a god of the humorous essay.  The answer is yes.  Colostomies are a little too weird. This shakes our faith in Him. One problem when you are fan of an author and have read (or listened to) everything, you know when they have recycled a story and are trying to market it as new material.  Cough cough.  Yes, I haven't read all of these stories before but that Australian bit, I've read, I can't remember where, but its the same essay.  Drats. 

I did chuckle in a story about his Dad and his post work interactions without pants. His Dad sounds a lot like my Dad.  My Dad would take off his suit coat but keep his work shirt and dress pants on for dinner. One of my brothers had undiagnosed ADHD--back in the days we just called kids like this "spaz." Tom, the spaz, had to sit between my parents at dinner, naturally, and would periodically (read that as often) spill his milk all over my Dad.  Now, my Dad had this incredible "push off" technique from the table, you've never seen a middle-aged man move so fast, but the floor splash would get on his dress pants.  THOMAS!! GODDAMMIT! CAN'T YOU DRINK MILK WITHOUT SPILLING IT EVERYWHERE GODDAMMIT!  No, he couldn't...he was and still is a spaz.  That's what they do.  Its like telling a dog not to sniff another dog's butt.  Which is eerily similar to some of the stuff my brother used to do, he had a whole fart repertoire.  Anyway, if my Dad had a no-pants policy he would avoided this.  Frankly, I'm glad he didn't. David Sedaris' Dad wore boxers and my Dad was/is a tidy-whities Dad.  Before you wonder, I know because I sometimes did the laundry. 

Overall the book is mediocre at best, there are some politically charged pieces which kind of fall flat and feel outdated.  Also, he has these short essays satirically authored which just aren't working for me. Like crazy-uninformed-mid west-woman's essay which starts out rational and then falls into absurdity.  Meh.  If I wasn't such a fan, I would say its a pretty good book.  But since I am a huge fan, I say--wow, you can do better, I know you can.  I believe in Him.  I guess I put David Sedaris on a pedestal, but he's so short no one noticed. 

Drinks: David's Dad likes a vodka tonic and why not? Its easy to make and easy to drink. 2 ounces or high quality vodka and 2 ounces of tonic water and a squeeze of lime.  This is also a good time to use that flavored vodka you have.  David's Dad likes a vodka tonic and a "fancy after work snack." God, that makes so much sense to me. In the book, David goes to reach for the snack and his Dad says "you want a fancy after work snack, get a job." He claims his Dad forgot he was eleven at the time.  Knowing my Dad--his Dad forgot no such thing.