Slow Regard of Silent Things

If you put people on pedestals, you could be looking at a whole lot of nose hairs.  Patrick Rothfuss even wrote a disclaimer as a forward to this book, which warned us that you might not want to read it. (FYI it has no plot).  The reviews on Goodreads are kind of intense; they range all over the place from gushing to crushing. Some fans are so angry that he's messing around with this little novella when he should be finishing his Kingkiller Chronicle series.  I'm like, has George R.R. Martin taught you nothing?  Just deal with it.  I mean, learn to bake bread, improve your push-ups and if that's too much effort, at least order some sea monkeys. Just take it down about 20 notches.

He is right; you may not want to read it.  This is a quirky little book about a semi-feral woman that lives in the catacombs of the magic university, an important place in the Kingkiller Chronicle series.  Auri, who is either a simpleton or has child-like qualities, has some "mental problems" that seem "fun" now because she's young and cute but once she gets older she'll be sent to an institution.  Let's face it, this chick has a bad case of OCD, a possible eating disorder and attributes sentient feelings to inanimate objects. How fun is she! 

Even if you are a fan of his series, I would skip this.  It really is just a glimpse into the life a minor, but mentally unstable, character.  Think of this as a fantasy version of reality TV (with less alcohol, boobs and cat fights--in fact it has none of these--she does have a fight with a blanket--seriously, a blanket).  Anyway, getting this story out of Rothfuss' system will probably make the last book better. That book is apparently in the editing stage.  That being said, I would like to read the last book in my lifetime. (*bakes bread*...*doing push-ups*) 

Whether you read this of not it's Christmastime and chilly so read this while drinking Hot Milk Punch: 1 oz. dark rum, 1 oz. brandy, 1 tsp superfine sugar.  Stir well then pour into a mug very hot milk add a whisper of nutmeg.  Pass out.  

Authority

I cannot imagine having a new boss that said, "Well, even though my real name is John, I want you all to call me Control." I would think, great, there is no scenario where this is going to be good.  Like, can I even joke with him about this?  No, you cannot, because Control is the director of a super secret agency called the Southern Reach, which is an agency inside the super secret government.  Heads of super secret agencies do not get irony or kitschy humor.  They do not have plush vampire bats on their desks or give out Mexican jumping beans to visitors.  Of course, I would say, "What's your middle name, Tool?" (But I wouldn't say it to his face because c'mon, super secret government benefits.  I would probably start a super secret twitter account called The Control Panel).

Authority is the second in the Southern Reach Trilogy by Jeff VanderMeer.  I didn't like this one nearly as much as the first book. Much of it is Control trying to second guess why each character said what and which ones are trying to stab him in the back.  Hey, Vandermeer, this is fantasy, not reliving my junior high experience.  Here's hoping the last book in the series is more like the first ( maybe even better?) Fingers crossed. 

Apparently when people come back from Area X, their memory is a bit...off.  Why not drink with a Brain Duster? 1 ounce rye whiskey, 1 ounce absinthe, 1 ounce sweet vermouth, 1 dash Angostura bitters.  Stir with ice, then strain into a chilled cocktail glass.  This looks so good, it seems worth it to get a little scribble-scrabble.      

The Book of Life

You got peanut butter in my chocolate!  No, you got chocolate in my peanut butter!  Wait, they taste great together!  This is the main premise of this book.  Of course, replace peanut butter with "witches" and chocolate with "vampires." Now if I recall, the original Reece's Cup commercial has a person walking down the street holding a chocolate bar colliding with someone walking down the street with an open jar of peanut butter.  Who does that? La..di..da…walking in the street with an open peanut butter jar and spoon.  Sicko.

Anyway, if you liked the first two books, you'll be happy this one wraps up the whole series.  It is very plot heavy and there is some kind of crisis going on the whole time.  Our main character, the witch Diana, still has her familiar, a firedrake named Corra.  I don't think people in this book are reacting correctly to seeing a miniature dragon hanging out in the light fixture. Even if  you are a witch or vampire I think you would hear, WHAT IS THAT? Oh, and it can burst out of her body and get subsumed by her body too. I would have to say something along the lines of : "Um, did you just have a miniature dragon burst out of your torso?"

It turns out the familiar is not the only thing that she keeps in her body, by the end of the book her body is more like Carrot Top's prop trunk than anything else.  Crisis crisis crisis, it turns out she is the witch of the millennium, the one we have all been waiting for, the vampire still loves her, the end.  Actually, its not a bad read if you don't mind a little junk food, which is appropriate considering Reece's Cups are my favorite junk food.

Deborah Harkness still loves her wine so her vampires love wine too.  They are rich so they can afford Chateau Lafite and wines that cost more than my car (considering my car is 15 years old--you probably have wine that costs more than my car).  Anyway, drink with a nice Claret or dark wine like a Burgundy.  With a miniature dragon at your feet, of course.

Annihilation

If you are ever reading a weird sci-fi, fantasy/dystopian novel that makes an allusion to sentient plants do not, do not, try to make dinner by cutting a squash.  That thing was both stronger and smarter than me.  First of all, the skin was like Kevlar, I mean how sharp of knife do I need?   Second, I couldn't get my knife through the thing; I was banging the squash like a bludgeon against the kitchen counter.  I'm pretty sure it was laughing at me.  Hey squash, next time you're getting poked all over and burned alive, jerk.

Annihilation is the first in a series of The Southern Reach Trilogy by Jeff Vandermeer.  Our narrator is a woman on a mission to Area X and only known as "the biologist."  (In our world we refer to them as smart-people-who-don't-get paid-enough-for-their-education-people.)  Area X is a government controlled place where all kinds of freaky and scary things happen.  Think Island of Dr. Moreau meets Lovecraft with some Lost and every nerdy iteration of what can happen in an Eden-like environment.  It's a super tiny book, and a part of a three part series.  They go so fast I could read the next two in the time I can sew on a button.  Considering that my "to be mended" pile ends up in the "Hey, I should really do that but I'll probably never see that thing again" pile, I think that's likely....very likely. 

Why not drink with an Eden Cocktail?  There are a number of Eden-like or "garden of Eden" cocktail recipes that sound really gross.  Eden is supposed to be idyllic, what God would allow a cocktail with both Peach Schnapps and Mountain Dew in one drink?  Not even a Deuteronomy "you've been bad" type God would allow that.  This one sounds much better:  2 oz. of good vodka, 1/2 oz St. Germain, 1&1/2 oz. pressed apple juice (apple--get it?--also, I think apple cider would work just fine).  Put these ingredients in a cocktail shaker and shake and strain into a taller glass.  Top with tonic water and then garnish with an orange zest twist. 

A Tale for the Time Being

What is going on Japan? I mean, I know living on an island makes for some weird culture, England has its mastery of fart jokes, Iceland has Bjork and Australia has hideous, hideous boots. C'mon Japan, why are all your female characters in distress?  Is this like, a thing? I guess it is because Tale of Genji was published about 1000 years ago. I noticed Japan likes cats on the internet--can the next 1000 years ring in a Japanese internet cat millennium instead? (I think it's started).

A Tale for Time Being is a frame story about one character, an author named Ruth (whose life seems just like the real author named Ruth, except a slightly more boring version), who finds a Japanese girl's dairy washed up on the beach on a small Canadian island in the Pacific. Our Japanese girl, Nao, wrote a diary that is interesting but disturbing. She's a suicidal victim of extreme bullying (and other tragedies).  Ruth Ozeki is a Canadian-American author who lived in Japan for a while. She picked up some Murakami style weirdness while she was there.  There is less spaghetti cooking in this book. There is beer and coffee drinking though, so partial credit.

This book has a lot of different stuff, Zen Buddhist nuns, kamikaze pilots, Alzheimer's, the 2011 tsunami, dream traveling, quantum physics, multiple universes and some clam digging. Clam digging is not a euphemism, real clam digging. I picked this for my book club, the subject matter may make the discussion more serious than I anticipated.  My hope is that when you have a situation (or person) that is a comedy black hole, sometimes, just sometimes, you get a gamma ray burst of hilarity.  Fingers crossed.

At the risk of being a bit "on-the-nose" why not drink with a Japanese Cocktail?  Seriously, there is a classic cocktail with that name (it's from a famous olden times cocktail book) it does sound pretty yummy:  2 ounces brandy, 1/2 ounce orgeat, 2 dashes Angostura bitters.  Stir with ice, strain and garnish with a lemon twist.  What the heck is orgeat you ask?  It's an fancy almond syrup.  It can be hard to find a decent version but its one of those things you can make on your own.  Serious eats has a recipe: http://www.seriouseats.com/

At the Mountains of Madness

It's that time of year, and in years past, before the advent what I can only call the collective pumpkin derangement that is now October, people used to read scary stories.  While "horror" is not my favorite genre, pretty much every fantasy writer is obsessed with H.P. Lovecraft.  I mean, they are pumpkin latte for him. 

Even though he was an early "horror" author keep in mind that this is from the olden times so you'll get statements like...the sight disturbed my countenance. (It wasn't exactly a page turner).  I don't want to talk too much about this short novella because suspense and horror are subject to spoilers.  Granted, you have had 78 years, but still....  I will say that even before I read this I knew that Lovecraft = monsters and you knew that too.  My problem is that I imagine all monsters like Zoidberg from Futurama. For instance, at one point in this book, I thought about the scene when Zoidberg is getting autopsied in Roswell and he says:  "The president is gagging on my gas bladder, what an honor!"  I think I'm doing horror wrong.

Don't go on wikipedia and look at H.P. Lovecraft's biography because it's kind of depressing.  (You should look at Zoidberg's wikipedia page because it is amazing).  Lovecraft died fairly young, broke and unknown.  Obviously people love him now but it is so tempting when people post those crappy platitudes on social media that say FOLLOW YOUR BLISS to just post YOU MAY NEED A DAY JOB FOR A FEW YEARS and then post a link to his biography. Maybe I should just post a picture of Zoidberg. He did go to medical school. 

To heck with pumpkin--this is whisky season-- so why not read this book with a Horsecar.  1 ounce rye, 1 ounce sweet vermouth, 1 ounce dry vermouth, 2 dashes orange bitters. Put in an ice filled glass, stir and strain.  Garish with a maraschino cherry. Let's face it, this is going to taste a lot like a Manhattan but I say, follow your bliss. 

Seraphina

Dragons! They're people too! Wait, no they aren't.  Well, in this book they kind of are. What?  In Seraphina, dragons can take human form. I would think a "tell" would be dragon breath.  Here, humans and dragons are under a "truce" where dragons have vowed not to bite humans heads off.  I'm not sure what's in it for the dragons.  Frankly, doesn't the ability to fly and bite your head off mid-flight trump any "power" humans might have? Not to mention breathing fire and destroying your village. Because really, what's left to negotiate?  

This book is more about dragon racism, dragon rights and court politics more than anything else.  I think this is missing the point about dragons!!  I mean they are magical and vicious beasts!  It's like dealing with Senator Palpatine scenes in Star Wars.  All I want is to see is Yoda saying something cool, using a light saber and kicking butt.  I mean, c'mon!

This second half of this book is much better than the first.  At least the dragons do some dragon things.  I'm so weird that I can totally believe in a world where dragons take human form but I cannot believe our protagonist, a court musician, can speak her mind to the royal family at every opportunity and not be killed....or at least fired. That's the most unrealistic part of this fantasy.  You never call the princess' finance a bastard, even if he is one, and live to tell the tale.

In this book the dragons don't drink alcohol--is that because it's flammable or because they are nerds?  It's not really explained but in my universe dragons are never nerds.  They should be fierce like Sid Vicious or Beyonce. The Blue Dragon cocktail seems a bit misleading because this is going to look blue but taste very orangey.  2 ounces Mandarin vodka and 1 ounce Blue Curacao liqueur, pour into a cocktail shaker, shake and strain into a cocktail glass and garnish with an orange slice and cherries. The cherries can be the dragon's eyes.