River of Doubt

I think it's safe to say that Theodore Roosevelt was our "toughest" President.  I don't mean his military or economic policies no, I mean the man got shot during a campaign speech and finished it bleeding through his shirt. No big deal. What the actual Eff.  Maniac.  He liked having wilderness adventures when he felt stressed. When he tried to run as a third party candidate in 1912 he lost.  So what to do...what to do....I know, go on a Amazon river adventure that was insanely dangerous. Good plan.

I'm good now on Amazon adventures. (I read The Lost City of Z about 5 years ago).  I have learned most everything in the Amazon can kill you and probably will. Parasites, bot-flies, piranhas, rotten feet, rapids, indigenous people who will kill you (but might not bother that day), alligators and snakes. Plus malaria and those crazy frogs.  It may be worse than Australia. Pretty much you're going to die.  It's still spooky there. Do you want dengue fever? No, well, it's too late you've got it now. The only thing that won't kill you are these cute little sloths.

By the way, Roosevelt's party would have eaten this little guy if they could see them. But in the wild sloths are covered with green algae which makes them camouflaged. Anyway, they had some scary adventures and people died.  River of Doubt is well researched and written, even if there are parts that a little slow.  At one point I had to tell myself to PADDLE PADDLE to get through to the next part.

Still, I can't see any of our ex-Presidents doing something like this adventure.  Even "nice-guy" Jimmy Carter: "I've looked at a lot of these monkeys with lust.  I've committed adultery in my heart many many times." George W Bush, "Mission Accomplished." Um, sir we haven't even left the Dallas Ft. Worth airport. No, they don't make um like Theodore Roosevelt anymore. (psst...I'm glad he wasn't my Dad though...maniac).

There was a couple of bottles of scotch on the trip which had to be rationed.  Why not read this book with a Smoking Pistol (seems appropriate) from Imbibe Magazine:  3/4 oz scotch, 3/4 oz. sweet vermouth, 1/2 oz. Rye, 1/4 ounce Armagnac,  a bar-spoon of Benedictine,  2 dashes of Peychaud's Bitters, 1 dash of Angostura bitters.  Put these ingredients in a mixing glass and stir until chilled. Twist a lemon peel over the top of the drink and discard.  Be glad you don't have malaria.

The Master and Margarita

This book is bananas. I mean that in the most affectionate and complimentary way. Most importantly it has a talking cat. Written in the 30's but not published until the 60's because apparently it was too subversive for Stalin's Russia. To me, it doesn't overtly seem politically problematic but it is nuts. It is not a spoiler to tell you The Devil is a character. He's not even in the top five in the list of the book's most interesting characters.

While this is considered a classic, it reads like a modern comedy/farce/magical realism I don't even know what.  I've worked in a couple of bookstores and I don't know where I'd put this--maybe "Staff Picks." Just read it. Naked ladies, vodka, "magic" tricks, Pontius Pilate and a man-pig (plus a talking cat who is awesome). What more do you want?

I was watching my neighbor clean the dog turds out of his backyard this morning.  That is how winter feels to me. Dog turd clean-up.  You could use a sense of wonder these days. This book is good for that. It does have a lot of confusing Russian names so be warned. Other than that (Italian chef kiss).

Like any good Russian novel we need a strong vodka drink.  Caipiroska: Slice a whole lime and put this into a cocktail shaker or large mixing glass.  Muddle the slices (don't go too crazy) in one tablespoon of sugar and stir until the sugar dissolves and add 1/4 cup of vodka. Fill an old fashioned glass with cracked ice. Pour the whole vodka lime mixture over the ice, then back into mixing glass then back into the glass. Enjoy with your cat. What elegance!

Old Kingdom-Abhorsen series

🎶Oh, those golden hands oh, those golden hands.🎶 Back in the day "golden" was code for sugar. It was nice when they were honest. SUPER SUGAR CRISP.  I know what I'm getting. Now those would be called All Natural Sun-kissed Wheat Nibs. Author Garth Nix lives in Sydney which I believe is Australia's Gold Coast. Which we all know is the Sugar Coast. I can't decide if that sounds delicious or terribly dangerous. I guess it could be both if you have the diabetes.

This series, Goldenhand is book 5, has necromancy, lots of magic, a dangerous library and most importantly a talking cat. The talking cat is kind of a snarky ass.  I mean that's not exactly a stretch for some cats. I say that as a crazy cat lady and cat lover. Aren't you worried the cat is going to eat your face off when you die? No, I'm worried she's going to eat my face off while I'm alive. If it's past 6:00 a.m. this is a justifiable fear. Runs across my body.  Knock glasses off nightstand.  For a while she was doing a tether-ball tournament with the metal lamp pull. Ding ding ding ding ding......then a "I win" if I acknowledge I am awake. (cat squints eyes).

This series is marketed toward teens or older children but don't let that stop you from reading these books. There is also a talking dog, semi-sentient airplanes, dead creatures. I mean, it's a nice fantasy series, like maybe you need something to take your mind off serious matters. Not sickly sweet like those old Golden Grahams.  I did like those back in the day though. I will admit it. Diabetes.

You could drink this with a Gold Rush (one of my favorite cocktails of all time) or this golden colored cocktail (which we won't tell anyone--is low cal) Rosemary Grapefruit Cocktail (makes two) One large ruby red grapefruit, a sprig of rosemary, 1/2 cup grapefruit La Croix,3 ounces vodka, four dashes of grapefruit bitters (optional).  Juice the grapefruit and muddle the sprig of rosemary pour the juice in two glasses with the bitters. Add 1/4 cup of the sparkling water and an ounce and half of vodka to each glass. You can garnish with a rosemary sprig and/or a grapefruit slice. As is, this is only 129 calories.  This sounds very tart to me so you could add a little simple syrup but obviously this will add to the calories.  

Who Fears Death?

This is a messed up book. Set in the post-apocalyptic Africa things are not cool. Actually things are not all that cool now. This book is pretty dark with "adult themes" and not in a good way. In fact there are so many creepy things in here they are like a who's who of comedy killers. Unless you're Louis C.K. it's pretty hard to joke about child soldiers, genocide and female genital circumcision. I mean, that is above my pay grade, for real.  At least in this book's future there are bad wizards and good wizards. Ok, ok....that we can work with....

I really wanted to like this book because it's from a different perspective and new author. The first part is a typical hero myth even if it's super creepy but I was ok. Our girl wizard is named Onyesanwu, who is destined to be a hero....except in the second half of the book she grows up to be kind of a jerk. I have no idea if the author wants us to like her or not. Her boyfriend is a jerk, her friends at times are jerks, her teacher is a Super jerk, the villagers...you guessed it...jerks. She meets some nice sand people who put up with her diva behavior. For example, Onye doesn't want eat some food offered to her because it got "mixed together" so her boyfriend gets her some more...I'm like you are in travelling for months in a desert and these nice people are giving you food--witch, please.

The plot goes all over the place at the end with a bizarre ending so I'm not sure I can recommend this book. I noticed that she let Patrick Rothfuss read an early draft and I found that amusing because his hero In the Name of the Wind is also kind of a jerk (I liked his story and his hero better but he refuses to finish the trilogy--sigh). Apparently I like my heroes to be simple hobbit-like folk, you know we're going to save the world but there is no need to: A) not to be civilized and B) stop and have nice snacks.

This is the perfect name of a cocktail to go with this book--Blood and Sand Cocktail: Fill a cocktail shaker with 3/4 ounce of the following 4 ingredients: Scotch, sweet vermouth, Cherry Heering and orange juice. Shake and strain and pour into a chilled coupe glass. Garnish with an orange peel.

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

In case you are wondering, Harrison Ford is in Blade Runner 2049. Maybe he will be mostly made of android parts. In 2049 I'll be made of android parts too. Don't let them sell you on a bionic appendix. That's a waste of money. I will take that undercarriage clear coating, because, I mean, it's the oxidation that will get ya.

Yes, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep is the book behind Blade Runner.....and it is awesome. It's definitely different than the movie, it's funnier and the plot moves really fast. In 2021 apparently phone-booths will make a comeback and we'll have laser-guns! Post-nuclear times make animal life precious and so it's a big deal (and a status symbol) to have an animal and take good care of it. As I LOVE animals, I'm like yes, finally! I have two animals so suck on that neighbors! I'm not so crazy about that radioactive fallout though. BUT I STILL WANT THAT DAMN HOVERCAR.

I don't know what the big deal is about killing androids, I mean, can't you just get them wet? Maybe they have a giant rice filled swimming pool they get into and plot their revenge in the two days it takes to dry them out. I'll bet the new movie doesn't have jokes. Would it be so hard to call a nightclub the Control-Alt-Delete? A tiny antique looking portrait of Bender? Man, that'd be sweet. No, it's probably be all slick with gravitas out the ying-yang.

There is an important scene in here with bourbon which is very rare in the future....note to self...stockpile more. Read this with a Bourbon Hovercar...ok, it's called a Bourbon Lift, which seems perfect for the holidays: 1 and 1/2 ounces decent bourbon, 1/2 ounce coffee liquor, 1/2 ounce half and half, 1/2 ounce orgeat (you can buy or make). Put these ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake and strain into a Collins glass fill the glass slowly with club soda. It should have a an egg cream or root beer float style foam head.

The Lathe of Heaven

What if your dreams became reality?  I don't mean one of those stupid inspirational posters you see. Or those messages you get from your distant relatives that are in one of those multi level marketing schemes...(shakes fist).  No, I mean what you actually dream when you are sleeping becomes the new reality. Freaky.

Written in 1971, Lathe of Heaven is a dystopian novel set in the future...and that future is 2002. What? Our protagonist George Orr (I'm sure that name is not a coincidence) has the ability to change reality with "active dreaming." If my dreams became a reality there would be a lot of college students showing up for an exam without going to class....actually I do think that is happening. Huh...now I'm freaking myself out.

I kid you not I actually dreamed this last week: A group of unruly high school students came to tour my work (we do get groups of 4 or 5 in real life) but this was more like 25 students. I could not get them to be quiet and settle down in one spot. To make things worst there was one boy who just kept saying "Balls, Balls,Balls, Balls, Balls." My dreams are very realistic.

While this is a very good book, I'm not sure if I can recommend a dystopian book right about now.  I guess I can take heart in that global warming is not quite as bad as in this book and there haven't been any nuclear bombs go off and devastating population dropping pandemics. Not that we don't have these problems but not to this extent.  Even so, you might need a palate cleansing book after this.  Or my homemade Prozac.

Why not drink this with something from the past? This one was hot in the 70's: Harvey Wallbanger: 1 and 1/2 ounces vodka, 4 ounces orange juice, 1/2 ounce Galliano.  Pour the orange juice and vodka in a large glass with ice, gently top the drink with the Galliano. Garnish with an orange slice and a cherry for garnish.

Norwegian Wood

"This book knocked my socks off!"-- Bill Cosby

"This book is right up my alley. What a realistic portrayal of college life." -- Roman Polanski

"I've heard worse." -- Billy Bush

This book should be subtitled: Holden Caulfield goes to College in Japan and the Adventures With His Wiener! Ah, remember the good old days the days when women were nymphomaniacs but ultimately submissive and also amazing cooks? Neither do I.

Actually, I like Holden Caulfield more than Toru Watanabe. Holden is a tortured disaffected youth that can't deal with tragedy without a psychotic break. I get that. Toru is a music loving "nice guy" that has women all over him for no discernible reason. Oh, you're so good with words Toru...oh, how about we do it Toru....oh BARF. Compliments, free snacks and various forms of wiener release from nearly every woman in the book I might add. (plus jazz music, coffee and The Great Gatsby for some reason). I mean really Toru are you an NBA player? Oh, baby your use of irregular verbs makes me want to look at your dangling participle. Why this book isn't labelled Fantasy is beyond me.

There is a brief mention of a well at the beginning of this novel which got me overly excited. Man, some supernatural powers in this book would have been sweet.  No, narcissism is not a supernatural power. Sadly, it's all too natural these days.

Like all Murakami novels there is a little whiskey drinking. Try this variation on an Old Fashioned-- Heck's Old Fashioned: Drop 2 sugar cubes in a rocks glass, add 4 dashes of Angostura bitters, a lemon wheel, and orange wheel, a lime wheel, a maraschino cherry and 1/2 teaspoon of grenadine. Muddle these enough to release the juices.  Add 1/4 cup bourbon or rye whiskey, add ice and stir to combine top with equal parts and club soda.