The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass

These are the second and third books in Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials series.  I reviewed the Golden Compass (the kale one) earlier this year.  Obviously, The Subtle Knife is a big FU to non- English speakers.  I mean, two silent letters?  Really?  And of course, Amber Spyglass is the name of Phillip Pullman's favorite stripper.  Real appropriate for young adult readers Pullman.

So, these are fun and even better than the first book.  For some reason I love reading an epic fantasy series at this time of year.  Is it some sort of heathen rebellion? I was reading LOTR at Christmas every year and this was pre-movies. Of course, I always love me some HP.  Of course I mean Hewlett Packard.  The best book in that series is Hewlett Packard and the Deathly Low-Ink Levels.

As this series continues it gets more complex and yet makes more sense. Think of it this way, as you add more and more pieces to the puzzle you realize...oh yeah, that's a puppy's face!  But even though this was targeted to young adults its pretty darn sophisticated.  Two people that I know love these books have some educational background in Religious Studies.  If you do, you will realize how clever some of this stuff is, but you don't need that knowledge to enjoy it.  Pullman is lifting ideas out of the Old Testament and The Book of Enoch.  (The OT is craaaazy and the Apocryphal books even crazier).  ♫ Angels we have heard on high, don't come down here im-preg-nating me...Gloria...♫.

Fear not, these books are not just about religion but also have theoretical physics, philosophy, and its just plain good epic fantasy adventure. The ending is not ideal in that it kind of hits you on the head with its message.  Its saving grace is that there are magical animals which include but are not limited to: kitties, ermines (a kind of stoat) and pine martens, yes, magical pine martens. 

Drink with a Christmasy cocktail that will make you feel warm inside.   Brandy Alexander: 1 & 1/2 oz of brandy, 1 oz dark creme de cacao (you could substitute Kahlua I suspect) 1 oz half and half  and 1/4 tsp of freshly grated nutmeg.  Put all of the liquid ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice, strain and top with the nutmeg.     



 

The Scar

I wanted to start this review with a joke about famous people with scars.  When you look this up on Google you get some crazy results.  Did you know Halle Berry has a sixth toe?  Gross!  How she got a secession of hot men to have babies with her...I'll just never know.  Sixth toe.  C'mon!

Anyway, in this sequel to Perdido Street Station, China Mieville brings us more adventures...but this time on the sea! Well, The Scar is not really a sequel, its set in the same world but completely different plot line...on the sea!  Pirates, cactus people, vampires, swordsman, mosquito people and weird lobster people called cray.  I would say, "You are just cray cray bro!" to those people all day long....They would just dive underwater to get away from me.  Then I would dive in and scream CRAY CRAY!  But it would just come out as a big air bubble.  They would know what you meant.  I'd get saltwater up my nose, but it would be worth it. 

The plot moves a little slow, especially in the beginning, particularly compared to Perdido Street Station.  I really nursed this thing, it is not a petite novel.  I think it might have a sixth toe.  One of my favorite things about this book is there is a character that is a dolphin.  His name is Bastard John.  This makes me happy. The best part, there is no elaborate explanation for why he is called Bastard John.  I guess he works "security" and keeps the underwater workers in line with a swish of his tail.  I guess that makes him a bastard.

Drink with a proper sailor's drink, Grog:  1 shot of rum, 1 tsp of sugar, squeeze of lemon, a cinnamon stick, and boiling water.  In a mug, add a shot of rum, the sugar, lemon and cinnamon stick, add enough hot water to fill the mug or to taste.  My expert suggested the in the olden times sailors would float a hard-tack biscuit on top.  I think a little biscotti on the side sounds nicer.  Or this time of year a Christmas cookie.  I mean, we can read about strife on the sea, we don't have to live it. 

In the Garden of Beasts

Damn Nazis!  It would be so weird to live in a time right before the Nazi's really took control and you would think, hmmm, lets see where they are going with this....then, WTF!  Maybe you would have thought, I'm not crazy about the random secret police beatings but the fancy uniforms they are so snazzy!  In the Garden of Beasts is a non-fiction book about the American ambassador to Berlin in the 30's and his slutty young adult daughter.  Now listen, women's sexual liberation is awesome, but damn girl!  She slept with Nazis, French diplomats and Communists, all at the same time.  I'm sorry but that's modern you-are-not-the-father-Maury-Povich slutty. This was the 30's mind you, how she didn't get Nazi gonorrhea is beyond me. 

This history book is not boring, no, if you've ever read an Erik Larson book, you know he can make history positively salacious.  According to his afterword, his wife reads his books and puts zzzzzzz's in the margins.  She also puts sad faces with people crying, so we have her to thank for making it interesting. 

The ambassador, who was FDR's sixth choice, was an college professor that was fairly ill suited for the job.  One of the reasons Dodd took the gig is so he would have time to finish his academic book.  It gives that "publish or perish" saying new meaning.  Don't worry, things work out....wait, no they don't.

Oddly it seems that if it wasn't for the damn Nazi's, 30's Berlin would have been really lovely. Garden strolls in the summer and they went crazy with the Christmas trees during the holidays.  Lets think of the nice Germany (the EU country with all the money and supermodel news anchors) so why don't you read this with Gluhwein?  That's fancy German-talk for mulled wine.  Made with red wine, add cinnamon, anise, clove and sugar and heat (I've seen it done with a crock-pot).  You can also drink it "mit Schuss" which means you add a shot of liquor like rum.  

The Ocean at the End of the Lane

Geeks love Neil Gaiman.  I mean love him, they want to have his babies.  Even his male fans.  They want to go full-on seahorse.  I do not want to have his babies and even though I am a geek, I have mixed feelings about his work.  I've read some of his books and enjoyed them and I listened to one of his books on audio and I could...not...do...it.  It was so very very awful.  He was trying to be funny but it was like this broad stupid humor.  Like Two and Half Men funny.  Unacceptable.  Thank the American Gods, this is not one of his "funny" books but his subtle fantasy books. Yes.  Stick with what you're good at. Comedy writing is specialized. A comedy writer was sad that Al Franken became a Senator. He said, "I'm sure he's a fine Senator, but he can write comedy.  Its like if Mark Twain became a florist."  

The Ocean at the End of the Lane is a novella, which is book-code for longer than a short story and smaller than a novel.  I'm sure his publisher was like, yes!! People love you so much we can sell it for $25.99.  That's the real price and not a joke. 

This book is a darkly whimsical look at a childhood memory, its a memory the supernatural forces at play keep repressing.  Our protagonist has some freaky neighbors, nice but like Elementals.  Beyond witches, elementals.  They look like ordinary English country folk. His slutty babysitter looks like an ordinary slutty English babysitter, but she is so much more.  Oh, and there are magical kitty-cats!  Yes.  They don't talk but they are magic for just being awesome.  Hey, if I can get mine to not steal my food and refrain from puking on the rug I would consider that magical too.   Anyway, this is a good book, read it. 

This book is anything if not very British.  Any book where the protagonist reminisces about eating a meal with Spotted Dick...well...c'mon.  So drink with an Earl Grey Martini.  I've had a variation on this drink at a restaurant and it was amazing.  Take one teaspoon Earl Grey Tea leaves and let them steep in 1.5 ounces of gin for two hours (yes, you will have to plan ahead), strain and add one ounce of lemon juice and two ounces of simple syrup, add these to a cocktail shaker with ice and shake shake shake.  Pour into a sugar rimmed martini glass.  (lemon wedge, dip rim in sugar). A cold dismal drizzle British-y day..bring it on. 

The Golden Compass

I gave kale a second chance.  Hey, its a superfood. SUPERFOOD.  It turns out, it was improperly prepared...twice (trust me, it can be nasty).  The Golden Compass is my literary kale.  I first read this book about ten years ago and just was not into it at the time.  I was talking to a fellow reader who asked me about it and I said, "meh"...and he said, "Please, give it a second chance!"  His enthusiasm was so sincere, how could I resist?  Here is the spooky part.  I have almost no recollection of this book.  I'm reading it and the familiarity is so subtle.  I pride myself on my memory.  Apparently, I should not.  Damn, my self-construction has an improperly poured foundation. 

I think you can purchase a Golden Compass at the Bass Pro Shops.  They should expand their hunting and sportsman line to include magical adventures.  If they carried camouflaged capes, hand-whittled hardwood wands and warewolf-based pheromones they would really double their customer base.  No one ever consults me. 

I firmly believe that after reading Perdido Street Station I can handle any fantasy plot line, alternative worlds and made up technology.  Perdido Street Station is like the handstand push up of fantasy books. Everything else is a piece of cake.  Maybe back in the day, I couldn't handle all the weirdness without much exposition.  I am stronger now.  I need one of those rubber bracelets that say "READSTRONG." Anyway, The Golden Compass is a magical adventure involving a young girl, an armored dear, interpersonal demon companions, alternative universes and the Aurora Borealis.  Its as good as Kale stir-fry with tamari sauce.  See, I can change my mind right?

Drinks:  This was marketed for smart children but I think you should drink with adult beverage.  It was set in the great north, like north of Lapland, so drink with a Hot Toddy (also, one of the few alcoholic drinks they give children--hurrah!!).  Now there are about 200 different Hot Toddy recipes out there, so I asked my resident expert which is his favorite.  He responded back in record time:  2-3 barspoons of sugar (smaller than a teaspoon), 2 oz of cask strength Scotch whiskey (I love Glenlivet's Nadurra), 3 oz of boiling water and grate some nutmeg on top.

A Discovery of Witches

Maybe someday Breaking Bad will be in syndication and Jesse Pinkman will say stuff like "What are you looking at, Witch!" And the world will not be a better place for it, not at all.   A Discovery of Witches is not about going to the food co-op or the local drum circle.  I am not going to put any spoilers in here but its about a history scholar on a fellowship to Oxford and finds a fancy magical book.  First, its obvious that this is fiction because she has tenure.  Second, it does have some supernatural characters.  Not just witches but other-types like .... maybe a Yeti?  Alas, no Yeti, but a girl can dream can't she?  I think a Yeti could make any story better and save some bad ones.  The Yetis of Madison County, Eat, Pray, Yeti or even 50 Shades of White. 

If you don't like thinking too much you will like this book.  I don't think there is any chance you are one of those people though.  The plot in this book is kind of interesting because it involves allegory in alchemy, supernatural international conspiracies, wine and hot men.  Good start....good start....oh wait, the protagonist makes Phyllis Schlafly look like a raging feminist.  I'll wait.  Here is a young tenured brilliant Yale professor who suddenly falls in love with a control-freak who is a manipulator, a liar and dangerous but he loves her and would kill for her.  WTH.  Gross.  Even her parents speak from the grave and tell her that she needs this man and he was destined for her.  Dammit!

This story had potential.  I just can't get over the main character.  I mean she gets a ultra rare alchemy book (her life's work) and gets distracted by another book, which she's read before, because her man put handwritten notes in it and she will "understand" him better.  By the way, he is sitting right there, I mean just ask him, these people have some serious communication issues.  The author, Deborah Harkness is a PhD, scholar and academic, she should know better.  I think this is the classic case of "if only a man would make all my decisions for me then I wouldn't have to write that abstract due on Friday." Granted the details on the history of science and alchemy are first-rate but damn it, this book puts the feminist movement back 50 years.  I am not the only person that had issues with the romance aspect of the book, sadly, the romance is central.

You should drink this book with wine, lots and lots of red wine.  There are detailed descriptions of wine, but I don't think some of these wines exist.  Drink with a beautiful Bordeaux and drink so much that you wish some man would save you, well at least hold your hair over the toilet. 

Golem and the Jinni

Some of you may know there is a special place in my heart for a jinni.  So, when I heard about this book I was like whaaaaat?  This is going to happen. Some categorize this book as fantasy.  It really reads more like a historical novel.  From the Jewish mystical tradition, a golem is a creature made out of clay, but this golem is a lady.  If I were made out of clay, the first thing I would do is get to the art supply store, get some potters' tools and scoop out for me, perfect six-pack abs.  Man, that would be sweet.

Ah, the jinni, where do I begin.  Some of you know I have a elaborate "puppet" that is a djinn.  I call him genie.  My genie, is fairly hilarious but this jinni is is not.  This jinni is good-looking and can make his own jewelry, and according to the book he is good in bed, so he'd be quite the catch.  If you could catch a mystical/mythical creature. My genie got me in trouble with my last job and this jinni has issues with his boss.  That makes sense, when you have a spiritual creature made out of fire, they don't exactly tow the company line.  I mean, they are not going to read Who Moved My Cheese.  Maybe he would read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Multiple Dimensioned Creatures.  Actually, I would read that. 

This book is quite good, and this first-time author really knows her religious myths without being pedantic. Heck, she should get an award for that alone.  She does a fine job of telling all the side character's back stories and still making those interesting in their own right.  The only problem is she has a hard time resolving their plots.  Like, oh yeah, that guy, who you devoted 70 pages to, he died, he did?  Yeah, one of the main characters killed him.  Oh.... WHAT? (no explanation)  Its like Virginia Woolfe and the Deadly Parenthenticals.  That sounds like a good name for a very nerdy band.  Very nerdy.  They could all wear cardigans with heavy rocks in the pockets.  Too soon?

Drinks:  This book is also really a love letter to NYC.  Why not read this with a Manhattan?  This drink is older than the turn of the century plot line and has more variations than a yelling goat YouTube mash-up.  Here's the traditional recipe:  2 oz of Rye whiskey, 1/2 oz sweet vermouth, dash of Angostura bitters.  Pour these ingredients into a mixing glass with ice cubes, stir and strain into a chilled cocktail glass.  Garnish with the cherry (if you can find real Maraschino cherries--they are wonderful).  A new variation for this book?  Replace the Angostura bitters with cinnamon bitters as Jinni is made out of fire. Call this Jinni's Manhattan.