MaddAddam

What happens when you put a human frontal cortex in a pig's brain? A lot of self conscious pigs, it what you get. "Does my rump look fat?"  Maybe they just feel self conscious about eating slop and rolling around in filth.  "I know I shouldn't but, wow, I mean, this just feels so right. I'm naughty right? I don't even care. Who's up for a trotter pedicure?"

MaddAddam is the last of Margaret Atwood's MaddAddam trilogy. While the second book is the superior of the three; this is still a fine series. Depressing and weird, but that's dystopian for you. This one follows Zeb and at one point he fights a bear, becomes a bouncer at a strip club, as well as a janitor, landscaper and programmer.  His resume looks crazier than mine. Apparently you are not supposed to use Times New Roman on your resumes anymore because that's boring. I say deemphasizing that I went to art school in the 90's is a perfectly fine strategy.

In MaddAddam, there really are pigs with partial human brains but they seem less superficial then I just implied.  They are organized and are certified Six Sigma black belts. The humanoids, in contrast, seem like sex-starved animals who think wearing bed sheets for clothes is superior than, say, clothes. What? No!

There is not a whole lot of drinking in this book but I think you should drink this variation of a cocktail from the Four Seasons in DC called the Adam and Eve--it actually makes 2 drinks: 2 ounces bourbon or other whiskey, 1&1/2 ounces Cointreau, seven dashes of fancy bitters (they use two kinds--regular and "pimento" What?), lemon peel and 4-5 ounces of champagne.  Stir all of the ingredients in a glass.  Strain 1&1/2 ounces of the mix into a chilled champagne flute and top with the champagne (that the Eve part) then strain the rest into a highball over rocks (that's the Adam part). For some reason this seems subtly sexist, like I can't handle a whiskey cocktail? Granted, I'll drink either of these drinks while I get my trotter pedicure.

Bleak House

Two Dickens in one year!  Wow, that sounds waaay dirtier than it is.  It is something to put on your resume because those are lot of pages my friend. But it was cool, it was cool.  This was a special project with my friend Amy P. You see, Amy P. is much much smarter than me.  I'd like to think that I amuse her.  She keeps me around for joke purposes.  It's like having a talking monkey.  I throw my food at her in frustration occasionally but only when I'm having trouble finding the right word.

Bleak House is about some people involved in a lawsuit that is taking forever.  There are a bunch of characters.  Not all of them are involved in the lawsuit but a fair number of them do die. It's like a erudite Game of Thrones.  I must say, one dude spontaneously combusted...which is pretty awesome.  Most just get sick but never get better.  There are a couple of doctors in this book and I don't see these doctors doing anything.  They just seem to be like a nice roommate.  The doctors will sit and talk to you and get you a glass of wine while you suffer from pneumonia, oh and by the way good luck with that!  You're dead? That's sad!  

I suppose its not really fair to look at modern medicine and judge the olden times doctors. Two hundred years from now, people will think, why did they die of cancer?  Just put the nanobots in the body and it will all get eaten away! Duh. (In the future you can only die by getting beheaded). Apparently I envision the future as being some Terminator/Highlander mash-up.

Punch time!  This one is called Felicitation Punch which sounds very fancy and happy: 3 ounces rich simple syrup (think 1 cup sugar to 1/2 cup water ratio), 12 ounces fresh lemon juice, 4 ounces maraschino liqueur, 1 and 1/2 liters chilled club soda.ice (preferably in a large block), 6 ounces of Irish whiskey (David Wondrich uses this to mimic the taste of the olden times gin--a friend gave me some Navy strength gin which likely strong enough), zest strips of 4 lemons, 1 liter bottle of gin. In a punch bowl muddle the lemon zest with the whiskey, add the gin and let that stand for two hours. Add the maraschino liqueur, lemon juice and rich simple syrup until chilled, about two hours.  Just before serving add the club soda and the ice.  It should serve 18.  I would limit guests to one, otherwise your house will turn into Barf House.  

Station Eleven

First, kill all the actors!  Didn't Shakespeare write that?  Maybe I'm getting that confused with lawyers.  Too bad there is no such thing as the Internet where a simple search can render your results in less than half a second.  In Station Eleven there is no Internet.  Argghh!  I cannot imagine.  We all know a couple of old people that don't use it much and it's soooo weird.  When you talk to them you feel like saying, What's wrong with you?  You talk weird. The Internet is like my bonus brain. BRAIN!

Station Eleven sounds like it would be outer-space Sci-Fi but its more dystopian Sci-Fi and it's very good.  Shakespeare comes up in this novel quite a bit. And actors, and killing too. No lawyers, but some musicians.  Kill all the flutists! That doesn't seem right. Although I could use a flute as a weapon, but I am much more comfortable with an oboe.

Wait, I remember time without the Internet where unanswered trivia debates were settled by feats of strength and my spelling mistakes exposed me as the idiot that I am.  I suppose I could survive without it but I'm really hoping I never have to find out.  Also, I like electricity and clean water and not getting ambushed and killed.

Drinks: God, without the Internet--what else is there? A future dystopian hot summer deserves a super refreshing drink. Paloma: 1/4 cup grapefruit juice, 1 tablespoon lime juice, 1 teaspoon sugar, 1/4 cup tequila 1/4 cup club soda.  First, rim your glass with some grapefruit juice and salt. Combine the grapefruit juice, lime juice and sugar in a glass and stir until dissolved. Stir in tequila and add ice top with the club soda. Garnish with a grapefruit wedge.

Year of the Flood

You can tap into your inner hippy (mine smells a little like sage, feet and patchouli) while reading The Year of the Flood. This is book two of the MaddAddam trilogy. I loved book one, Oryx and Crake, and I think this book is even better. The Year of the Flood follows some eco-hippy-religious group that spend their time keeping bees, eating homemade vegetarian food, and gardening.  It sounds kind of nice to me, personally, but I have a secret hippy side. That's the side that doesn't get shaved.

This book follows a group called God's Gardeners, who warn of an apocalyptic future where there will be a "waterless flood" and a major portion of the population will be wiped out. Think of them as hippy-preppers.  Well, it turns out they were right, as we found out in book one.  And as a consequence, they fared quite well, albeit a bit stinky. Don't worry, it syncs up with the first book perfectly.  (Yes, you should read the first book first).  

This book will make you want to make your own vinegar, go off the grid and start hoarding things. In real life, everyone is freaked out about the future of avocados with the California drought.  I call it the avapocalypse. We are not there yet--but you should not be taking your guacamole for granted. I wasn't before, because, hey, guacamole.

It would seem appropriate to drink kombucha with this book, but I'm too afraid after this guy I know from the Ukraine told me what he saw at the bottom of a barrel (a mouse). Anyway, I think we can do better than that.  Dirty Martini: 2 & 1/2 ounces gin or vodka (use the good stuff here), 1/2 ounce dry vermouth, splash or up to 1/2 ounce of the olive brine.  Add all to a mixing glass with ice.  Stir and strain into a cocktail glass and garnish with two olives.  Hey, this isn't God's Gardeners approved....but I say, enjoy this with your guacamole while you can.  
   

Hyperbole and a Half

Let me clear something up right away, Hyperbole and a Half is a comic book.  It is also a memoir of sorts.  It is not a graphic novel, because it is not fiction. Also, I don't like graphic novels for some irrational reason I cannot explain and I liked this collection of comics therefore it cannot be a graphic novel. My logic is impeccable.

Hyperbole and a Half is based on Allie's blog of the same name, which you've probably seen at least a sample. Allie is upfront about some of her inner demons but this book is done in such an adorable and relatable way...you'll smile even if you are secretly worried for Allie a little.  While I've never suffered from the kind of depression of which she describes I think everyone can relate to not wanting grown-up responsibilities.  I learned to like to cook (most days) but it took a long time.  I STILL hate to do ironing. Why?  Let's compare: cooking for 45 minutes = delicious brownies (with downtime to read) and you can eat and share (theoretically) said brownies. What does 45 minutes of ironing get you?  A couple of non-wrinkled shirts? Who cares? Also, no downtime and more importantly: NO BROWNIES.

So, Allie talks about how weird she was as a child, her weird dogs, her bout with depression and some of her issues with her self identity. Sounds sad but it is actually funny and cute.  Even though she draws her avatar like a slug-like thing, she is funny, young and cute herself.  I suspect as she gets older she'll be totally fine with wanting to throw sand on children. It's one of the few good things about becoming an old lady.

Drink with what Dave and I call homemade Prozac. What is homemade Prozac, you ask? The richest most decadent brownies you can make warmed with a little ice cream on top. Pair that with a little aperitif glass filled with single batch bourbon.  You can feel the healing powers.      

The Martian

Not since My Penis, Myself, has there been a more guy oriented book. Boob jokes, poop jokes, tricked out vehicles, sex jokes and long complicated math-heavy real science word problems.  Not that women can't do math, because they totally can.  (It just so happens I'm not one of those lovely and capable women).

This is one of the books that seems like it's meant to be a movie. Hey, it is!  Well, it's not quite done yet. It stars Matt Damon (who is that guy's agent?) and has a bunch of other famous people with great agents.  Directed by Ridley Scott, I am thinking this will be awesome even if it is not.  I even liked Prometheus which is a ridiculous movie.  This is my favorite thing that happened in Prometheus: Hey super creepy looking thing...let me put my face near you because I think you are like a little bunny....Argggh!!

The Martian is about an astronaut stranded on Mars. Our main guy, Mark, is a very smart but writes in his journal like a dorky 13 year old kid, with lots of lame jokes.  For example, It wouldn't have surprised me to read a scene where there was a complicated math problem which was based on how many tampons needed to fix the water reclaimer. It was likely in an early draft. Think Nicolas Tesla's  journals written by Tim Allen.  Anyway, you might like this if you are a dude or a lovely math oriented woman who doesn't mind a poop joke or two or three.  Most people can wait for the movie. Would it have killed them to cast Hugh Jackman?  Can't this book give me something?

Drinks:  A martian martini seems appropriate:  2 oz. gin and 1 oz. Midori (or other melon flavor liqueur), combine with ice and shake and strain.  Serve in a martini glass. The pretty color makes this drink reminiscent of a little-green martian, not a dusty, frozen rusty and oxidized planet drink, which frankly doesn't really sound all that appealing.

Leaving Time

WHERE'S THE BEEF?  If you know that catchphrase you are likely over 35.  Which is fine, fine, no problem (how are your knees feeling by the way? Fair to middling? ok).  Anyway, no one under 25 would ever get this phrase unless they are a hipster and found a Where's the Beef? T-shirt in a vintage shop, which was so 2009. It's all about 90's references like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles now.

At the risk of turning into Comic Book Guy officially, Leaving Time really dropped the ball on the cultural references.  One narrator is 13 years old and she would never know of a movie called A Few Good Men.  I asked a friend who is 25, and she looked at me like I'd lost my mind.  Come to think of it, that's pretty normal for us, but she also said she'd never heard of it.  A Few Good Men, Some Like it Hot and a reference to Fred Flintstone seem suspiciously relevant for a 48 year old popular writer. That's more careless than The Fonz riding that bull in the rodeo to save Uncle Ben's dude ranch. Two can play at this game. (*squints eyes*)  

Leaving Time is a mystery involving elephants, psychics, the mentally ill and more elephants. You will learn more than you ever wanted to know about elephants.  There are some passages in here that involve declarations of love that are genuinely vomit inducing. The story is saved from complete crap by having a twist ending. The twist still does not reconcile how the 13 year old would be busting out Boba Fett references.

Leaving time is close enough to Last Call: 2 oz. vodka, 1 ounce concentrated and chilled jasmine green tea, 1/2 oz Domaine De Canton liquor. Shake with ice in a cocktail shaker and garnish with a lime twist.